Trust☼

Trust... This is very valuable to me, very sacred to me. If you want to "get to know me better" you better prove that I can trust you whole-heartedly. If you ruin something like that between a person I feel it only fair that you must earn it back to prove you want it. There is also NO way you could possibly find a place in my heart to stay without gaining such trust. But if that is the case, I must tell you: it will be a lot more work, a lot more effort, a lot more caring, a lot more conversation, a lot more sincerity, a lot more understanding, a lot more listening, a lot more common sense, just all around a lot more difficult. There is also this other problem... I tend to fall in love very easily. It also seems to happen before someone has gained my full trust. It is a fact when I say I follow my heart but I don't leave my mind far behind. I think a lot, I worry a lot, I care a lot, I wonder a lot, I want a lot, I need a lot, I wander a lot, I can't seem to get my mind to stop... This problem has come to drive me almost insane, bonkers, wacky, crazy, looney, etc. No one seems to understand me... for the past while I have felt let down or "betrayed" by a lot of people. I got sick of people and truly,honestly,whole-heartedly... I put my trust in two people. I didn't save much room for anyone else and now the problem is... those two people have proven themselves to be a let down and untrustworthy.
Which brings me to this: Why? Even after how much I need trust in a relationship do I miss those people that hurt me without even looking back?
I will tell you something that hurts the most beyond all belief for me...
Loss of a friend, Whether the friend has wronged me or we have simply gone our seperate ways, I can't handle it. It's something I've realized for a little while now but I don't know what it is with me... I CANNOT lose people that mean or have meant so much to me at any part of my life. “People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”
You see all those walls built up? I know that if that one person were to reach back out and say something... I would tear down my walls myself and the only way they'd have to earn back even half my trust is choose to walk right up to me and simply give me a hug and say, "Everything will work out fine. Everything will be okay."
I keep my head up for other people right now. I do it for me but not even a third as much as I do it for others. I know people want to believe i'm okay, they want to believe that i'm doing alright, that i'm happy. So I give them that... just so I won't let down yet another person...
Fact is... If you've heard me tell you what's REALLY wrong, if you've seen me cry, if you've seen me at my worst, if you've handled me at my most ridiculous... You know me more than a lot of people ever will.
...emotional rant over.
thank you.
i love you.
MyOwnBreed-Cara